It's interesting how sadness comes in waves. I found myself perilously drowning in the green eyes of a friend today. I was suddenly reminded of him,  and so I cried.

Facing my computer screen at work, I focused fifty percent of my attention on editing a promotional video featuring Justin Timberlake. One hour later, I stared at the screen, forgetting what I was doing and why I was sitting there. I felt a wind so deep in my spine, I trembled and the waves returned, this time emptying my soul in a room with other coworkers.

On the subway platform, I stared at my cell phone wallpaper. I am dead inside, and New Yorkers walk past me.

In the shower, the water hits my face so violently, I can't distinguish my tears or saliva from the rain.

There are brief moments throughout the day, like if I fall asleep on the train or when I am running on a treadmill, that I imagine I may be dreaming.

The waves lick my body and I am back again. I can't scream. I can't cry for real. I stifle my gasps for air because I am constantly surrounded by people.

I want to yell at a wall who won't judge me or sympathize or feel like they're obliged to say something to make me feel better.

I don't deserve you; I only deserve the waves that swallow me over and over again.



  1. hoping the waves subside soon for you.

  2. many hugs and many kisses. i am at a loss for what else to do or say, except please know that 'this too shall pass'..


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